I didn't know what to call this blog post because it's a sensitive subject for me. However I want to keep things real and personal. I hope that nobody suffers from this disorder but if you do, maybe this will help you feel not so alone. I hate to admit this, especially online but I have trichotillomania, also known as the hair pulling disorder. One thing is for certain, it sucks. Just a quick note before I delve into the story - I know I don't have it as bad as others, but it's still valid. I still have trichotillomania, regardless of how much or less I pull compared to others.
What is trichotillomania you ask? It's an unconrollable urge to pull out ones hair, from various places such as eyebrows and eyelashes but most commonly from the scalp. People can experience a growing tension before giving into hair pulling, and it's most commonly done without thinking about it, being triggered by something stressful or otherwise.
There was a time when I didn't know this disorder had a name. I suffered in silence, especially as I thought people would look at me funny. Bear in mind, as a young teen, you tend to keep something like this a secret, due to feeling ashamed. I didn't think it was a big deal either, especially as I sometimes enjoyed pulling out my hair.
Anybody who looks at me wouldn't know that I suffer with this disorder, but then again I mask it well. It's been going on for several years now, my longest recollection being since early childhood. For me personally it was a release of stress and boredom or during intense bouts of concentration. When I'm having a pulling episode I know what I'm doing but can't stop because it's become an ingrained mechanism - meaning that I'm in a trance like state. I tend to stop when I feel like I've pulled enough. I'm usually absentminded during an episode and find that nothing alleviates the tension/stress of it all.
I pull from my scalp, underneath my hair so it's not so obvious, as well as my eyebrows. I also pull my hair from the ends as well, as it's less painful than from the scalp. For a brief period I would sometimes pull out my eyelashes but that wasn't really an issue - they're fine now anyway. I have long hair but it's really thin, with little pieces of 'baby' hair by my ears, so I usually cover that up with the long strands of hair.
When I pull my hair, I feel a sense of relief. When I'm done with one strand, it's onto the next. Pulling out my eyebrow hairs is much worse for me because I usually ruin my face. I don't pull it all off, usually the hair growing underneath; but when I'm in a serious episode, I go overboard and pull too much. Once I've started I just keep going. What I do after, is to fill the eyebrows in with eyeshadow or eyeliner where I've pulled too much. Due to the fact that my eyebrows are an important part of my face, I do have a certain sense of self control as to not go full on.
I remember that when I was probably around 13, I would especially pull a lot during my downtime, so that being at night when I read books or listening to music. It would interrupt me most of the time so I found it difficult to concentrate on reading. It's really a mix of anxiety, stress, boredom or concentration. When I'm not pulling out my hair, I tend to twirl it around my fingers. Any type of action feeds into the pulling sensation.
On a different note, one of the problems is when someone tells you that you should just stop it, that that suddenly makes it all disappear. If it were that easy I would have stopped long ago. What's really annoying for me is that I don't know how to stop pulling. I think that even if therapy helped the psychological aspect, the action of pulling my hair itself has been so ingrained that it's more of a need to pull. I can't quite describe it but it's similar to a bad habit - in the sense that with bad habits, you are so used to it that you just keep doing it.
I've found that watching YouTube videos of other trichotillomania sufferers does help me feel that I am not going through this alone. I think that it's good that they are bringing awareness to this disorder. I recommend watching Rebecca Brown on YouTube - she makes really good content.
I hope that some day things will get better and that I will become trichotillomania free. If you have any questions feel free to ask in the comments below or by email. Also, remember that trichotillomania doesn't define you. If you're a fellow tricher, I hope that one day you will get better, and know that you're not alone. Don't beat yourself up about it, you are not weird or abnormal. We can beat this together.
Charlotte x
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